The Hunting of the Sue
by TheDreamChild
Summary: When Sues invade ME, a modern girl finds herself helping a band of rangers get rid of them. But how are the Sues getting in, and why? Plot twists and all kinds of humor, R&R or no updates. Gets longer as you go.
1. Prologue

**A/N: I've rewritten it. Review, or updates will not granted. **

Prologue: Arrival

Please don't ask me how I got here, I have no idea. I don't care either. I'm very happy to be camping out in Eregion with four rangers. They have always seemed a bit wary of me, though. I can't say I blame them.

The last thing I remember is going to school on Monday morning. I admit, usually I don't recall much from a Monday, but to not remember _anything_ just isn't normal. I can vaguely keep in mind arriving at school and groggily setting my backpack on my desk, but everything after that is just a vast expanse of gray area. I think I saw a light in front of me, but that could have been anything from my teacher's desk lamp to an oncoming semi. The way my head hurts now suggests it was a little closer to the semi.

The rangers said they hadn't seen me come into the caves or the stable. They say they found me clinging stubbornly to their huge bay warhorse, Gabriel, drooling and whimpering "pony" over and over. Now _that_ I sort of remember. I recall waking up (at least, that's what it felt like) and finding myself sitting on this giant gelding. He swung his massive head around to stare at me and I squeaked. Yes, I know it's highly undignified to squeak, but I thought it was terribly appropriate at the time. _You_ try waking up to find yourself six feet off the ground, on top of this vast creature (albeit a calm one) who could smush you into a pulp with one stomp of his hooves. I sat up too quickly and whacked my head on the ceiling. Dazed, I collapsed back onto Gabriel. He snorted good-naturedly and didn't toss me.

"What are we going to do with her, Kai?" I heard a low female voice whisper. There was silence long enough for me to open one eye. Three teenage girls, all older than me, and one teenage boy were staring at me skeptically. I sat up again, this time slowly so I wouldn't whack my head, and blinked at them. They blinked back. The eldest girl, one I would judge to be nineteen, tilted her head to one side.

"Where am I?" I asked dumbly. It was, in all honesty, the first question I had. She gave me a curious look and didn't answer right away. After several minutes she drew in a breath and began to slowly speak to me.

"You are in Eregion. I am Kai." She pronounced each word forcefully. I wondered absently if she thought I didn't speak English. I paled visibly (which is saying something, since I am quite pale already) at the word "Eregion" and slid off the horse, bolted out of the stall, and ran madly towards the exit like Hell itself was on my heels. I caught a flash of silver out of the corner of my eye and skidded to a halt. My insanity took over as I began drooling again and staring wide-eyed at the gorgeous dappled gray filly that had stopped me.

"Pony!" I squealed manically. An insane light was filling my eyes as I stared at this apparition in admiration and wonderment. I must have looked like a zombie.

"Oi! That's my horse!" In an instant Kai was next to me and was trying to drag me away.

"NOOOOO!" I cried as I felt my feet sliding away from the horse. The other teenagers had joined Kai and were pulling me back. In retrospect, it was quite comical, but at the time I was too crazed to notice. My brain had finally snapped, and had Kai not hit me exceptionally hard over the back of my head, I might still be like that. As it were, I dropped unconscious to the ground and lay like a slug (or so the rangers tell me).

So, that is the tale of my arrival in Middle-earth. Trust me, things only get crazier from here.

**A/N: If you want to hear more, review. If not, review anyway. **


	2. Of Sues and Rangers

Chapter 1: Of Sues and Rangers

I awoke unceremoniously to find myself lying on my back next to a sputtering campfire. My head hurt. A lot. I lay there staring at the stone ceiling for several minutes before I carefully sat up. On cue, a surge of dizziness hit my head with the force of a tidal wave. Everything darkened for five seconds before it gradually became lighter again.

"Ow," I moaned. Alerted by the noise, one of the rangers came in with a steaming bowl of beef stew.

"Hungry?" she asked cheerfully. She was a little on the short side, with short red hair and a broad smile on her face. She couldn't have been older than eighteen, which made me wonder why all the rangers seemed to be so young.

"I'm Hazel," the ranger said brightly. I smiled politely.

"I'm…" I stopped and thought about my aliases. It wasn't that I didn't want to share my real name; I just thought they would have too much trouble pronouncing it.

"Rana Avari," I said at last with a little nod of my head. Hazel smiled and shook my hand warmly.

"Here's your stew. It's very good, Brynne made it. She's a good cook." I slurped the concoction greedily and listened as Hazel explained all about Brynne and her amazing hunting and cooking skills. I can't say the subject fascinated me. Once I had finished my soup, Hazel looked a tad disappointed. I got the impression that she didn't have much of a chance to talk without being interrupted.

"Well," she sighed, "I suppose you had better come and meet everyone else. We were a bit worried when you tried to attack Kai's horse, but we're confident it was just a fever or the shock." I shook my head and opened my mouth to argue that I was _not_ trying to attack the horse, but I was rudely cut off. The last remaining teen girl, whom I assumed was Brynne, rushed in breathlessly.

"We caught something in the woods, we need some help restraining it," she panted, her chocolate colored hair askew from running.

"What about our guest?" Hazel stammered. Brynne didn't even glance at me.

"What about her?" she asked. I crossed my arms and snorted. Such insolence! Hazel pursed her lips disapprovingly and followed Brynne out. I thought about staying put but couldn't resist the urge to tag along, so I did. No one noticed.

At the entrance to the cave I was nearly blinded by the brilliant sunlight. I had forgotten there was no pollution in Middle-earth, so the sky was unusually clear and the air was clean. I took a nice long breath of it and refrained from sighing. I could get used to this. A bloodcurdling shriek drew me from my thoughts. Down the slope leading up to the caves, all four rangers were half dragging, half carrying a screaming, kicking, sobbing woman. I stared mutely at this scene until I realized what was wrong with this picture. I screeched and ran towards them.

"A SUE! A SUE! FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES!" I hollered, waving my arms wildly and almost falling flat on my face. They all stared at me like I was crazy. Well, ehem, that has always been something open for debate, but at the moment I was perfectly sane. Sort of.

"What in the name of Ilúvatar is a Sue?" Kai asked me as she struggled with holding the Mary-Sue. Poor Kai seemed exceptionally flustered, with her black hair almost completely out of its neat ponytail and smudges of dirt on her face. I made a mental note not to upset her within the next week.

"What is a Sue? A Mary-Sue? THEY'VE COME TO KILL US ALL!" I shouted in terror and frustration. The rangers stopped and looked at each other.

"Exactly who is this person?" Kai asked Hazel in pure exasperation. The redhead chuckled softly.

"Rana Avari is her name, but she seemed perfectly normal when I fed her. I swear I don't know why she's acting so strange all of a sudden…" That did it. I stumbled the rest of the way down to them and put my hands on my hips.

"You just don't get it! She's a Sue, the filthiest spawn of Morgoth ever to walk Middle-earth, obsessed with her self-image and potential destroyer of all. Do not underestimate the power of the Mary-Sue!" I panted. Brynne and the only male ranger exchanged looks.

"You've lost us," Kai pointed out. I ran my fingers through my hair and breathed slowly.

"Just look at her!" I said, waving a hand at the Sue. All the rangers looked down at her. She had ceased screaming and kicking and head decided to stick with sobbing. She was tall and thin; her hair was long and a perfect shade of golden blonde. Fat, shiny tears were dripping onto the ground as they streamed down her cheeks. Her eyes were not red and puffy as would be natural, but huge and a vivid shade of turquoise with tiny flecks of darker blue here and there. Her chest was so big it was sick, and she was wearing skimpy leather armor.

"I'm Amy-Bliss Eleniel Elessar Elfstone Undomiel," she said in an innocent tone, "I'm Aragorn's daughter and soon-to-be wife of Legolas Greenleaf! Where's Rivendale?" Brynne wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"Rivendale? Aragorn's daughter? Legolas's betrothed?" she scoffed, "I wasn't aware that the king had a daughter yet, much less that Lord Legolas was engaged." I rolled my eyes.

"I'm just impressed she managed to pronounce any of her names right." The teenage boy and Hazel laughed but were silenced by a stern look from Kai.

"Let's get this wench into the caves. We have cages in the back that we use for catching bears, but they'll work nicely for holding this idiot prisoner," she snapped. The Sue's eyes got even bigger before she went limp in a dead faint. I might have doubled over laughing if I wasn't already hurtling up the hill. My turning up in Middle-earth was bad enough, but having to deal with Sues would be horrible.


	3. Bringing in the Cavalry

Chapter 2: Bringing in the Cavalry

"So now what?" I asked as the rangers and I sat around the campfire. I rocked back and forth on my heels and smirked at them all. I was feeling rather good about myself after I warned the rangers about the Sue. Hey, I'd earned myself a meal that night and a place to stay; I'd have to say that's good for a girl who has no talents outside of writing and drooling over horses. The rangers had finally gotten over the latter when I explained that I was not trying to attack the horses, only bask in the glow of their perfection. I got odd looks from all of them. I have no _idea_ why.

Anyway, the rangers glanced at each other when I asked my question. None of them had any idea how to deal with a Sue, and frankly I didn't either. I had always loved the idea of chucking a Sue into Mount Doom, but Sauron was apparently defeated and Orodruin was just a big hill in Mordor now. That left numerous options: death by poison, gutting, stabbing, drowning, impaling, burning, freezing, and (my personal favorite) being trampled to death by either horses or stampeding bison. Maybe the orcs would like Sue-kebabs for supper sometime. That was wishful thinking, though, and we needed more than wishful thinking. We needed a plan.

"What if there are more of them?" Favian (the boy ranger) asked in a haunted voice. We all turned and gaped at him in horror.

"Valar forbid!" gasped Brynne. I frowned and bit my lip thoughtfully. That would mean we'd need to have a way of containing them, and finding how they're getting in.

"What are we going to do, hunt them?" Kai scoffed. My eyes lit up.

"That's it! We'll hunt them!" I declared. I stood and began pacing around the fire.

"If we can capture them, they won't be able to hurt anyone, and we might be able to figure out how the heck they got here. Where and how did you guys catch Miss I'm-Aragorn's-Daughter?" I continued. The rangers muttered amongst themselves for a minute.

"North of here. She was wandering around and ran straight into us. She tried to strangle Kai," Hazel explained while Kai turned scarlet. I suppressed a burst of laughter.

"We'll need bait. What can we use as bait?" Brynne asked no one in particular. An idea dawned on me.

"Legolas and Aragorn. They'd make awesome bait; every Sue in the world wants to marry them." There were immediate negative murmurs. I sighed and realized this would take some convincing.

"Look, how about we send _you_ to ask them if they'll help us?" Kai suggested. I balked.

"Me?" I snapped indignantly, "Why do I have to go?"

"Because you're the one we found clinging to Gabriel, drooling, whimpering 'pony' repeatedly, and looking deranged," Kai replied sweetly. I really do hate rangers sometimes.

The next morning, with directions to Minas Tirith and a pack of food slung over my back, I mounted the retired hunter-jumper mare that the rangers had supplied me with and trotted off. I can hardly complain about the horse, she was bombproof and not too old, but being alone got boring. Why oh why had I let them talk me into this? I wasn't a fighter, or an explorer, or a diplomat. I'm me, the half-crazed horse lover who can speak maybe three or four phrases of Elvish and can vaguely decipher Fëanorean script. That's it. I don't have a degree in saving the day!

Anyway, while I was musing thus I got myself pretty lost. At least, _I_ thought I was lost. The horse seemed to know where we were going, and that was a comforting thought. Soon enough we were riding past what must have been the ruins of Isengard. Tall creepy tower in the middle of a bunch of spooky trees. Sounds about right. At least I had a vague idea of where I was. I took out the little slip of parchment Brynne had given me. The light was bad and the letters were all Fëanorean, so it took me fifteen minutes to make any sense of it. _Go past Isengard until you come to a mountain range. Turn south and ride until you come to a path. _South? Which way is south?

"Is there no sun in this accursed country?" I quoted venomously. Apparently not. And if there were, how would I know if it rises in the east or the west? I always wondered at that. I leaned over and started talking to the horse.

"So, umm, which way is south? Do you know?" I asked. If the horses can understand English in Rohan, would they understand English near the _Gap_ of Rohan? The horse turned her head and gave me a dumb look, like I was an idiot or something.

"_Harn_?" I tried hopefully in Sindarin. The mare gave me another look as if to say, "I heard you the first time, shut up." Then she trotted off down the path to the right. I think we found south.


	4. In the Court of Minas Tirith

**A/N: I am rather disappointed. Out of all the hits I got on the story I only got one review, and that was from a friend. I will not update if I don't know what people think! **

I won't bore you with the details of my long trek from Eregion to Minas Tirith. We didn't get ambushed by orcs or captured by Elves or anything because, frankly, we just looked too insane. Who wants to kidnap a deranged teen who is clinging to an old mare? Don't answer that. Anyway, when we _did_ reach Minas Tirith, the guards just sat back and gave me a weird look. Honestly, you'd think they'd never seen a girl on horseback before.

"Excuse me," I said to the nearest sentinel when I trotted up to the gates, "I really need to talk to King Aragorn." Dead silence for ten seconds. Then the guards started laughing.

"Be gone, foul vagabond, and trouble us no further," the leader said when he had regained his composure. I allowed myself a good sizzle before I started again.

"Let me rephrase that: if I can't see the king right now, he's going to die and the whole of Middle-earth will be destroyed by a darkness greater than anything Mordor ever achieved." That got my point across. The sentinels politely dragged me up to the courtroom and tossed me unceremoniously before the feet of Aragorn himself. Cursing the guards and their incompetence, I picked myself up and dusted off my jeans. That drew attention to my "outlandish" attire. I admit, jeans and a black t-shirt are not the best choice of clothing. I tried to ignore the stares I was getting and instead looked at the king. He looked a few years older than I had expected, and he looked more weather beaten than is becoming for a monarch, but otherwise I had no trouble recognizing him. I hastily bowed.

"What is it that you need to speak to me about?" Aragorn asked suspiciously. I gulped and glanced around hopefully for a friendly face. I spotted a few familiar characters, but no one looked sympathetic. I bit my lip nervously and cleared my throat.

"My lord, I am but a humble wanderer from a far off land, sent here with a message from the rangers of Eregion," I declared in what I hoped was a commanding tone. Aragorn raised an eyebrow.

"What message?" he inquired sternly.

"Sire, Mary-Sues have been sighted in Eregion." No one spoke and I hoped for a second that they were shocked or appalled. It soon hit me that they simply had no idea what I was talking about.

"A Sue," I continued quickly as the guards gave each other meaningful looks, "Is the darkest spawn of Morgoth, sire. They seek to enslave all of mankind and rule Middle-earth with an iron fist. They take the form of beautiful women to better ensnare men with their enchantments and bind them to their will. They will ruin all if left unchecked." Murmurs rose from the court as my (however insane) words sank in. Aragorn was shaking his head and Faramir, who I noticed was stationed behind the king's throne, was rolling his eyes. I tapped my foot impatiently and crossed my arms.

"We need your help to battle them, my lord," I said sharply. The king looked incredulous.

"I will come and fight!" I heard a voice shout boldly. I jumped a foot and turned to see none other than Arwen striding forward crossly. I could tell immediately that she was pregnant. I nodded my head respectfully and mumbled some sort of greeting. She ignored me and glared at her husband.

"We need to take this seriously, Elessar! These Mary-Sue creatures sound dangerous, and they need to be fought."

"My lady," I hissed softly, "I hope you realize the full extent of their ambitions. The Sues wish to kidnap Lord Legolas and King Elessar and force them to marry one of Sues." Arwen looked royally ticked off now and I could barely contain a smile. We had our funding. Éowyn suddenly appeared from the crowd.

"Girl," she snapped, addressing me, "Do they endanger the throne of Rohan in any way?" I bowed even lower to hide my broad grin.

"In _every_ way, my lady. They would enslave your brother and husband on sight if given the chance." Éowyn turned a lovely shade of red and I backed up a pace. The woman killed the Witch-king, for crying out loud! She's scary when she's angry. I turned and gave Aragorn my best pleading look.

"Absolutely not," he said firmly with a shake of his head. My face fell, but the king wasn't finished yet.

"Arwen, you cannot go in your present state." The queen gave him a look.

"I'm _pregnant,_ Aragorn, not incapable if fighting. I'm not even due for another two months!" she objected stubbornly.

"But what about Eldarion?" the king continued. I frowned softly before I remembered they had a son and at least two daughters. Eldarion was their son, and the eldest.

"He's well taken care of, he won't miss us for a couple weeks," Arwen countered. Éowyn nodded enthusiastically.

"Yes, and Faramir and I will go with you as well," she volunteered, much to the steward's terror.

"We need Legolas," I whispered in Arwen's ear. She raised her eyebrows.

"Why?" she hissed back.

"Bait."

"Ah," Arwen murmured. She raised her voice and explained this to her husband in a regal tone. I honestly can't in good conscience bore you any further with their arguments, as they went on for the next hour. I nearly fell asleep myself, and that's saying something. It turns out our friend the fugitive Elf lord was in fact staying with the royals for a few days. He and Gimli had decided to visit the king and see how bad ruling Gondor was. They were promptly summoned and the situation explained to them. Legolas paled to the point where I thought he was dead. Oddly, he looked exactly the same as he did in the movies. I had always thought he was older and, well, more like Aragorn. Apparently I was wrong. He was still white-blonde, tall, and agile. Gimli was the same too, which made me wonder if Haldir was alive in this one or not.

"I'm going to help them, laddie, and you had best come too," the dwarf said gruffly. He rocks.

"But…but…what exactly am I going to _do_ as bait?" the Elf whined.

"Stand around and look pretty," Arwen offered.

"Attract Sues," added Éowyn with a devilish grin.

"And don't get captured," I put in wryly. If Elves could faint, I think Legolas would have done it just then.


	5. First Catch of the Day

**A/N: Thanks to all who reviewed, I'm flattered. Now, onward to the tale!**

"Are you _sure_ we have to be bait?" Legolas, Aragorn, and Faramir were getting ready to trek into the forest and help with our clever trap. I rolled my eyes as I handed the Elf prince his cloak. It had been a week since we finally left Minas Tirith. I was really getting bored with the place, but when you're traveling with royalty there's so much red tape to cut through, and arrangements to make, and people to impress, and what not. Not to mention Arwen insisted I got some "proper clothes" before we set out. They tried to get me into a dress. A dress! But I resisted them! The ladies of the court had to make due with getting me a white shirt, riding breeches, boots, and a gray cloak. And a short sword. I liked that last addition. Not that I can _use_ a sword at all, but the Sues don't know that.

"Legolas, you whine too much. Shape up and get out there!" I snapped in reply to the Elf's question. He gave me a sullen look and stalked off to complain to Gimli, who was sharpening his axe in a corner of the rangers' cave. At first the rangers had been very flustered to have so much company (royal company, at that!), but after Arwen started helping with the cooking and Éowyn gave us some fencing lessons they all settled down. Except Favian, he would turn scarlet whenever someone asked him a question or said hello. Frankly, I think he was scared of the royals. Speaking of the rangers, they were all waiting for me to hurry up and come help with the trap deeper in the woods.

"Rana, hold this rope," Kai ordered sharply when I cantered up on my mare. I gave her a look of disdain and dismounted. The rangers were working on raising a wooden cage high above the ground. The idea was to drop the cage when the Sue (or Sues) got close enough. I just hoped it would work. Brynne had been supplying us with steady reports of Sues traveling through the forest, sometimes in packs, but usually alone. As a precaution, we were all armed with bows and a quiver full of arrows.

"That should do it!" Hazel declared triumphantly as we yanked the ropes and the cage flew into the air. We secured the ropes to tree branches and got into position in the trees, well out of sight. Favian sprinted off to get the royals.

"What kind of powers can we expect to see from the Sues?" Kai asked me as we settled down on a sturdy branch. I gulped as I glanced at the forest floor ten feet below.

"Ummm," I stammered nervously, "Besides general charmingness? Some of them may have magic." I took a deep breath and crouched on the tree limb, leaning on my bow and staring purposefully at the clearing below. I am terrified of heights. Brynne, who was on a branch near us, asked me a few questions in an effort to keep my mind off my fear. Soon we were silenced as Aragorn, Legolas, and Faramir crept anxiously into the glade. I looked for Éowyn and Arwen and saw them climbing into a nearby fir tree. Éowyn winked at us and smiled. Below us, Legolas was whimpering to himself softly.

"Start talking, guys!" I hissed loudly. The Elf gave me a disapproving look and began on a conversation with Aragorn about how Lothlorien was that time of year in comparison to Mirkwood. Faramir voiced his opinion from time to time. Out of the corner of my eye I saw movement in the bushes. The leaves prevented us from seeing what was making the noise, but they were being careless about keeping their voices down.

"_Mine…my own…my precious! We wants Elf!_" pined a wobbly female tone. I frowned. That did not sound like a Mary-Sue.

"Like, what_ever_! I so get Legolas!" came a second melodious voice. That was the Sue. I nodded silently to Kai, who gave Hazel the signal to get ready. We all held our breath as Legolas and the others turned to face the new danger. With a wild shriek two figures bolted from the bushes. Simultaneously, three things happened. One, Hazel and Brynne cut the two ropes holding up the cage. Second, the men and Elf ran away. Thirdly, the cage fell right on top of the two attackers. We all let out a victory whoop and leapt from the branches (except me, I sort of half fell half climbed down). Then with due caution we approached the cage with drawn bows.

"NO!" screamed the Sue woefully, "LEGOLAS, SAVE ME!" The Elf prince in question had a weird look on his face and started forward. I smacked him over the back of the head.

"Snap out of it," I murmured. He gave me a bewildered look and backed away.

"Who are you?" Arwen asked the Sue as she waltzed over with her hands on her hips. The Sue sobbed and stared at the men with large fluorescent purple eyes, which were rivaled only by her ridiculously long and thick eyelashes. Her hair was perfectly combed and layered, black with an oily sheen. She was shorter than Legolas by a few inches, thin to the point of being anorexic, with curves in all the right places and a heart-shaped face. With disgust we noticed her armor, which was more like a swimsuit than any sort of proper protection, was skimpy and laughable. Even I could have gutted her without any problem (and the idea was getting better and better every second).

"Who am I?" the Sue replied to Arwen incredulously, "I'm Helinniel Móreadhiel Silvereye! I'm the most beautiful woman in Middle-earth. I'm Elrond's long-lost daughter. I'm destined to marry Legolas. But," she added with a diabolical glint in her already glowing eyes, "I get to have Aragorn too!" She dissolved into a peal of giggles.

"FIEND!" Aragorn bellowed, "Dare you insult my beloved so?" He placed a protective arm around Arwen's shoulders and she beamed at him. Legolas, on the other hand, looked sick to his stomach. Gimli took out his axe threateningly and probably would have sliced the wench's head of had Brynne not placed a hand on his shoulder.

"We need her alive, to interrogate," she said with an unpleasant smile towards HMS. I perked up at the word "interrogate".

"Precious?" I asked hopefully, "Does we get to play musical interrogation rooms?" Everyone stared at me blankly and I grinned sheepishly.

"PRECIOUS! WE NEEDS IT!" screeched another voice. We all turned to stare at the remaining prisoner. In the ruckus we had forgotten her. She looked to be a year or so older than me, with tangled brown hair and wild gray eyes. She wasn't that thin, or pretty, or tall, or anything special like that. _Normal_ was the closest word to what I was thinking. Yet, obviously, she was insane.

"Who _are_ you?" I asked skeptically.

"NO TALK! Give us Elf, my precious," she cooed, abruptly changing her tone, "We luffs it, oh yes we does my love! Give Orlando to Ellie!" I raised an eyebrow.

"Ellie, is it? Well, Orlando isn't here, and you can't have Legolas, so cool it." Meanwhile, everyone was asking each other whom this Orlando character was. I hadn't the heart to explain it to them.

"What is she? A form of Sue?" asked Éowyn as I stepped away from the cage.

"No, I think she's a fan girl."

"A what?"

"A fan girl. They're obsessed with Orlando – I mean with Legolas. Sometimes with Dom – erm, Meriadoc – or Pippin, or Aragorn, your husband, your brother, Boromir…"

"I get the picture," Éowyn sighed in annoyance. Faramir came over and kissed his wife on the forehead.

"Don't worry, no Sue will ever make me turn against you," he comforted softly. I discreetly walked away and allowed them their moment. Kai and the others were huddled together making plans for transporting the villains back to the cave.

"We could build a giant wooden rabbit!" I offered randomly. I got furious looks from all parties and shut up. They haggled for a few minutes while I threw in random comments before they decided to just tie the Sue and fan girl up and march them back to camp. The Sue started sobbing almost immediately.

"NO! This is all wrong!" she shrieked as Brynne bound her hands and started half-dragging her to the cave. I noticed the fiend's eyes were no longer purple but a watery shade of gray-blue.

"Oh, _do_ shut up," I ordered her. Her eyes abruptly changed to violent blood red. I backed up a pace at this demonic sight.

"Legolas is mine!" she cried furiously (yet her voice miraculously remained melodious). I could have sworn smoke was coming out of her ears. I recoiled and stared at her. Brynne, conveniently, hit her over the head and sent the Sue senseless. Say that five times fast. Hazel came over and helped drag her away. Meanwhile, the fan girl was putting up a fight.

"_Orlando! Orlando! We wants it!_" she bawled as Kai and Arwen held her and Éowyn tied her up. I just shook my head sadly at the thought that this…_thing_…was once a human like me. I suppose I shouldn't think about it too much, I have the tendency to pity villains when I think about their life story. Bad habit, and one that fortunately never surfaced in the entire history of my liking _Lord of the Rings._

Anyway, when we got back to camp, after setting up the Sue-trap once more, we got down to the business of deciding what to do with the Sues.

**A/N: Hiya! Hope you enjoyed it; more chapters shall come, but only after PotC2. **

**Dom: HELP!**

**Me: Oh yes, everyone meet my pet Dominic.**

**D: She's insane!**

**M: What's in your head, boy?**

**D: See! She quotes stuff constantly!**

**M: And?**

**D: Umm, you're insane!**

**M: Yes, we know that one. Anything else?**

**D: I give up. **


	6. Angst and Sue Slaying 101

The Sues and fan girl were nicely settled in their little cages when Kai, Brynne, and I entered. The Sue we caught earlier, Amy-Bliss, looked up and frowned at us darkly. It did not improve her looks. Ellie, the rabid fan girl, was rocking back and forth in her corner, whispering to herself and shooting everyone angry glares. Fortunately for her, I had talked the rangers out of interrogating her on the grounds that her answers would be either cryptic or the ramblings of an insane teenager. We decided to focus our efforts on HMS, as we had decided to call her. She was pretending to be sleeping peacefully in her cell, greasy black hair spilling over her shoulders dramatically. When Kai unlocked the cage door her eyes snapped open (once more violet, as I noticed) and stared innocently at us. No groggy waking process for her, no sir! HMS peered hopefully past us as if expecting Legolas any second now, but he was in therapy right now and couldn't be disturbed (no pun intended).

"Oh, you are most cruel captors!" HMS cried when she saw her "beloved" was not coming.

"Cruel?" snapped Brynne, "You had steak and rice for dinner last night!" The Sue wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"Do you, like, know how many carbs are in that? Eww!" she exclaimed in a girlish way. With effort I resisted the temptation to puke all over her.

"Never mind the carbohydrates," Kai replied, "We have questions for you." HMS's attitude changed in a flash. She lifted her chin stubbornly and gave us all hateful looks that would have made Legolas faint. Of course, the mere mention of a Sue would make Legolas faint, so scratch that last bit.

"I will tell you nothing!" she sniffed.

"Nothing about what?" Brynne inquired strategically. HMS paused to think for thirty seconds before answering.

"About whatever you'll be asking me about."

"How do you _know_ what we'll be asking?" Kai asked. The Sue was now flustered as her minimal brain cells were overworked. It was my cue. I pulled a pair of nail-clippers and scissors from my pockets and brandished them with a cackle.

"Tell us how you got here or I'll cut you nails!" I threatened. HMS looked horrified.

"You wouldn't!" she gasped, wringing her hands and staring at her neon-pink manicured nails.

"I'll cut them as short as mine, so help me!" I waggled my grubby fingers in front of her face. She screamed as if I'd stuck a poisonous snake under her nose.

"All right, all right!" she screeched, "I'll tell you." I backed off and stuck my tools back in my pockets. The Sue struggled to compose herself.

"There's a magic portal that I stepped through. Before, I was a princess in Rivendale, and I was sooo way hotter than Arwen! Legolas is my betrothed, but I love Aragorn too. He's so hot!" she sighed dreamily. Brynne pressured her for more details about this portal, but the more she asked the vaguer the answers were. I began to think perhaps the whole thing was made up. After an hour of learning nothing except that the portal was "shiny, round, greenish-purple-pinkish-blue-red-rainbow colored, and magical", we decided to give it up. As a parting blow I turned and glared at HMS.

"Listen closely, Sue. Legolas hates your guts, Aragorn loves Arwen, and you're so insanely ugly that I'm shocked you don't realize it. Snap out of whatever spell you're under and get it through your head that you are a Mary-Sue!" I snarled. HMS looked shocked, hurt, and disbelieving at once before she dropped into a dead faint. Curious, I slipped back into her cell and checked her pulse. There was none.

"Rana, I think you killed it," Kai commented in surprise. Repulsed, I bolted out of the cell and hid behind Brynne.

"Is it dead?" I asked tentatively as Kai checked for signs of life.

"Pretty much," the ranger replied lightly. She smiled reassuringly at me.

"Well, that's one way to get rid of them."

Later, around the cheerful campfire, embossed stories of my Sue-slaying enterprises were spread like wildfire. My ego prevented me from contradicting even the most ridiculous ones. My favorites were that I stabbed the Sue to death in defense of Kai, that I angered the Sue so much that she exploded, and that I challenged the Sue to a duel and beat her despite her insane fencing abilities. Soon enough Brynne put the stories to right. She ruins everything!

Next day, however, it was back to our gruesome task of capturing Sues. We set the trap the same as before, using a now sound Legolas and his friends as bait. Gimli grumbled about missing all the action, but Arwen reassured him that he would get to slay Sues yet. So, perched precariously in the trees, we waited.

For half an hour we sat in silence while the bait talked to each other in loud voices. Nothing. No soft reply, no rustling leaves, no hushed voices. It worried me, since surprise attacks were possible and not unheard of. Soon, however, my fears were put to rest. Loud sobbing could be heard getting closer. Suddenly, the elf and men leapt back and screamed for Brynne to drop the cage. With a loud crash it came down and trapped the Sue that had appeared out of nowhere. Blasted teleporting wenches! Hazel was the first to approach the cage, but she leapt back.

"What manner of Sue is _this_?" By now I had made my way to the ground and had come up to the cage. I raised my eyebrows. The Sue inside was tall, thin, and beautiful, as is normal, but she was different. She had long black hair and crimson eyes. Crimson! She was as pale as death. She had on a black beaded choker, black leather pants, black leather vest (no shirt underneath, I might add), black fishnet sleeves, and generally an all-black gothic appearance. It took me several minutes to figure out what she was.

"There are several types of Sues," I began to explain to the others, "There's your standard Legolas or Aragorn obsessed types with no special powers besides unrealistic beauty, there's your gorgeous Elf types with magical abilities, and, my personal favorite, the angst types. This is an angsty Sue." There were general murmurs of understanding before we turned our attention to the Sue before us. She was standing there silently, looking sorrowful and downcast.

"What is your name?" Arwen asked suspiciously. The Sue raised her (still crimson) eyes to stare at her blankly.

"Destiny Ambar," she replied sullenly. I almost scoffed at the double name. _Ambar_ means, basically, _destiny_ in Elvish. Honestly, when was the last time these people took originality pills? Arwen was rolling her eyes.

"What's your purpose in Eregion, Miss Ambar?" I demanded. Destiny sniffed and a fat tear ran down her cheek.

"I'm running away from my life," she whispered mournfully.

"How so? Wouldn't you be dead if you ran away from life?" Hazel wondered aloud. I smiled at her while the Sue stood there dumbfounded. Even in angsty Sues, who were typically smarter than the other kinds, logic was not a strong trait.

"Well…um…" Destiny mumbled sheepishly. Hazel, Éowyn, Arwen, and I could no longer hold back our mirth. I promptly collapsed on the ground, clutching my sides and howling with laughter. Hazel leaned on Éowyn's shoulder and giggled madly. Arwen, despite her attempts to remain dignified, allowed herself a chuckle. The Sue eyed us with contempt as we died laughing. The men and Elf looked uncomfortable. Gimli, however, simply glared at the Sue. I'm sure he had every intention of chopping off her head.

"Now," I panted when I had recovered, "What exactly are you, Miss Ambar?" Destiny jumped sharply upon being addressed.

"Well, I'm, um…well…um…like, a vampire?" she offered hopefully. I raised my eyebrows. I had to admit, she was the closest thing to a vampire I'd ever seen (she had _crimson eyes_, for crying out loud!).

"Vampire, eh? Whence did you come?" I inquired tactfully.

"Mirkwood," she answered almost shyly. Legolas snorted.

"On my honor, there are no vampires in _my_ kingdom," he vowed. The Sue's eyes lit up when the Elf spoke.

"Legolas, my love!" she cried. Her eyes were huge and a frightening shade of scarlet. I noticed they were very much like a cat's, with the pupils little more than slits in the light. Legolas backed up a pace. Kai took a step closer to the cage.

"Hey, you! Torment Lord Legolas no long-," The ranger-captain was suddenly thrown back. Brynne and Hazel ran to her side, but the rest of us kept our eyes locked on the cage. The light in the clearing seemed to dim, darkening enough to the point where the Sue was no longer visible. There was an odd laugh.

"Legolas," I began nervously, "I think you should keep your knives on hand…" A shiver went down my spine. I've got no magical powers or heightened senses, but it didn't take an Elf to know something bad was going to happen…

You thought I was going to leave you hanging, didn't you? Well, my tale is far from over.

Just as I finished speaking, I felt a cold hand on my shoulder. I whirled, only to find myself face-to-face with the Sue. She looked absolutely terrifying. Her mouth was twisted into a sneer, showing pointed teeth, and her eyes were as blood red as ever. I _knew_ I shouldn't have read so many vampire stories! I squeaked and shrank back.

"_Baruk Khazâd! Khazâd ai-mênu!_" A screech from the Sue, followed by her hand releasing my shoulder, told me Gimli son of Gloin had joined the fight. I leapt out of the way as the Sue's expression froze and she fell forward, a two-handed battle-axe embedded in her back.

We all stood frozen as the light returned and the aura of foreboding lifted. Legolas looked like he was going to need a lot more therapy. Aragorn and Faramir were dazed from the encounter. Their wives quickly set to work talking them out of their trances. Meanwhile, Gimli stood over the corpse of the Sue and smiled smugly. I just remained where I was, mouth hanging open and eyes the size of dinner plates (to use a cliché or two). I blinked and raised my head to stare at the dwarf.

"My lord Gimli! I may very well owe my life and sanity to you," I stammered. He winked at me kindly.

"No problem at all, lass. I've been itching to slaughter one of these creatures for days." I couldn't resist giving him a hug. Gimli blushed and muttered something inaudible.

"Enough small talk!" Kai barked, once more taking command, "There may be more of them, and we should get back to camp before nightfall."

**A/N: Well. Anyway, it is indeed after PotC2, which I highly recommend. **

**Dom: Despite the –**

**Me: -clamps hand firmly over hobbit's mouth- SHHH! **

**Ehem. Expect more updates, but only if you review! I've had more than 200 hits and only a handful of reviews!**


	7. Steak and Garlic

**A/N: Some people were asking if the vampire is really dead. Well…**

When we got back to camp, Brynne announced that she was making us a hearty meal in celebration of our victory. Everyone was happy and excited, except Legolas, who was still rather shaken from the encounter. I can appreciate the feeling. Vampires are certainly _not_ something one sees in Middle-earth, though I could have sworn Tolkien said something about them in _The Silmarillion_.

Anyway, we were all comfortably seated around the fire after a fine meal of steak seasoned with garlic. Ever superstitious, I requested extra garlic on mine. Better safe than sorry, aye? By then it was getting reasonably dark.

"Should we have buried the body?" Favian asked randomly, making us jump. He never talks much, especially around the royals, so we were taken by surprise. I stared at him wide-eyed as I realized we had taken no precautions.

"God's mercy!" I exclaimed, "I forgot about that!" Kai paled sharply.

"Do you think we should go back?" she wondered aloud. It took me a second to realize she wanted me to answer.

"Dare we risk it? Fiends of her kind draw power from darkness, now is not the time to venture out of doors. Not unless you are willing to bet your life that nothing will happen," I replied in a solemn tone. Hazel and Brynne murmured their agreement. Arwen frowned.

"So we must wait until dawn?" she demanded nervously. I nodded. Éowyn looked miffed. I could tell that she wanted to go and battle the vampire right there and then. Faramir put a hand on her shoulder and whispered something to her. She grudgingly relaxed and folded her arms stubbornly.

"At first light we ride out after the creature," she declared fiercely.

"Aye, lady!" Brynne put in, raising her mug to toast Éowyn. The mutual acquiescence was made known by a chorus of "Aye!"

Next morning, far too early for my taste, we arose and got ready to go. We were once more heavily armed with swords, bows, and daggers. The mood of the company was grim but determined, though Legolas was jittery and Aragorn was pale. Only Éowyn, Arwen, and Gimli seemed unaffected. Gimli was almost cheerful, Arwen was all smiles, and Éowyn looked fierce and fearless. Me, I was just groggy. Kai scolded me twice for slacking off while tacking up my mare, whose name I still have not learned. At last, however, we were ready to go.

The forest was shrouded in mist as we rode at a steady trot. Dew dripped on our heads from the trees and small animals scurried out of our path. The light was only just beginning to penetrate the depths of the woods. Brynne managed to retrace our steps to the clearing, even in the dim light, but when we got there we had a surprise. There was no body.

"Are we at the wrong place?" Kai inquired as she wheeled her silver mare around. Brynne leaned over in the saddle and scanned the ground for tracks. Aragorn dismounted and joined her.

"No, we're in the right place. There're the marks from the cage dropping," he reassured us, gesturing to the faint lines on the ground that outlined the trap. The ranger king and Brynne followed the footprints and drag marks until they came to the Sue's.

"Yes, see how light these are? Lighter than ours by far. And look, here's where she fell." Brynne dropped to one knee and ran her finger over the ground.

"There's a bit of dried blood here, my lord," she confided to Aragorn. I glanced around hopefully for some sign of life (or rather, _un_life), but saw nothing. Éowyn suddenly cried out, making us all look around wildly. She was pointing towards the tree line. I squinted, unsure of what Éowyn had seen, and then spotted a flash of movement.

"What's this?" Arwen murmured with a raised eyebrow. Éowyn was already spurring her horse into the underbrush. We reluctantly followed. We soon came upon two Sues, dragging the corpse of Destiny Ambar between them. They could have been twins, the two Sues. Both were tall, thin, and tanned elegantly. They had matching brunette hair that was layered and highlighted accordingly, huge silver eyes, and thick black eyelashes. Their eyes flashed green upon seeing us.

"Like, you stupid Elves! Go away!" the one on the left snapped.

"_Totally_!" her twin agreed vigorously. Éowyn and Arwen exchanged significant looks and I cringed. This could be unpleasant.

"Who are you, and what business have you here?" Arwen demanded regally. The twins stared at her dumbly for several seconds, processing the questions.

"Like, I'm Harmony, the true love of Aragorn!" the twin on the left announced.

"And, like, my name's, like, Melody, true love of Faramir!" the other one added with a firm nod of her head and a toothy smile. I moaned. Either these two didn't recognize Arwen and Éowyn, or they were too stupid to realize what they were saying.

"Excuse me," Éowyn growled indignantly, "I am Faramir's wife."

"What_ever_!" Melody scoffed. Arwen was fingering the hilt of her sword.

"Speaking of which, _I'm_ Aragorn's true love, thank you very much." Harmony did a fan girl scream of rage and her eyes glowed red and green. They reminded me of Christmas tree lights. Not very intimidating.

"Then you're, like, Arwen!"

"No duh," I snorted. Both Sues gave me venomous looks.

"Like, who're you supposed to be?" they asked simultaneously. I cocked my head to one side and eyed them curiously.

"The name's Rana Avari, normal human and Sue-slayer extraordinaire," I answered, bowing in the saddle. They both shrieked in fury. I backed up my mare a pace. One can never be too sure.

"What are you doing here with that corpse?" Éowyn asked, drawing their attention away from me. Harmony put on a sour expression.

"Like, what do you _think_ we're doing with it? We're totally bringing it back to, like, camp!"

"What for?" Éowyn continued innocently.

"Well, um, to like, um…stop people from mutating it!"

"_Mutating_?" Arwen said incredulously.

"Destroying a vampire usually requires chopping off her head and driving a stake through her heart," I muttered to her.

"Oh." Just then, Gimli lumbered up with his axe in hand. The Sues retreated rapidly with the corpse. Arwen tore off after them before anyone could react. Favian, suddenly affected with a bout of loyalty, galloped after her on Gabriel. The rest of us regrouped and followed.

The Sues stopped at the base of a cliff. We had them surrounded, but they didn't seemed deterred. Harmony pressed her palm against the rock and a portion of it swung open.

"No fair!" I yelled as they vanished. Arwen and the others dismounted and were about to pursue the Sues when a shriek split the air. We all froze as we realized we had heard that shriek before.

"Anyone have any garlic on them?" I asked hopefully. Something suddenly came out of the rocks. I squeaked as I saw it was none other than the ghost of Destiny! At least, it looked like her to me. Her eyes were glowing scarlet again and she looked _really_ ticked off.

"MUHAHAHA!" she cackled madly, "Now I shall turn Arwen into a Sue, and I'll have Aragorn all to myself!" Not very subtle creatures, are they? Anyway, the spirit rushed at the queen before we could move. Suddenly, however, Favian did something either very brave or very stupid. He jumped in front of Arwen and waved his sword.

"Be gone, wretched fiend!" he shouted. The Sue-ghost just flew right at him. I closed my eyes and waited for a blood-curdling scream to tell me we'd lost Arwen, but nothing happened. I ventured a peek at the scene. Favian was just standing where he had been, eyes wide and his sword still in his hand. Then, slowly, his face changed. His eyes dulled and lost their intelligent look, he paled, and his mouth opened a little. If he was pretending to turn into a zombie, he was doing a good job.

"Favian?" Kai asked tentatively. Suddenly, the boy ranger straightened.

"Like, who's this _Favian_ freak? You're totally freaking me out!"

**A/N: Heh heh. See if you can guess what just happened. **


	8. A Boy Named Sue

**A/N: Now that I've left you all hanging, the next chapter is here. **

Kai, Brynne, Hazel and I stood rooted to the spot in horror. Favian, the rangers' comrade in arms and my recent acquaintance, just stared back at us blankly.

"Like, what is with you guys?" he asked us quizzically, tipping his head to one side.

"AHHHHH!" everyone except Favian screamed. I scrambled as far away from him as possible. Arwen, looking at once terrified and guilty that Favian had taken the blow for her, reined back her horse.

"Sweet Eru! The boy's possessed!" she cried. Kai was for once struggling with her emotions. I had to admit, the situation was…unique. I'd never heard of a Sue _possessing_ someone. I quietly crept closer to Favian.

"What's your name?" I asked. Favian's eyes widened.

"Destiny Ambar," he replied. I nodded.

"We have problems," I announced to the others.

"That's obvious," Brynne agreed.

"We need to take him back to camp, and lock him up," Kai managed to choke out. We al looked at her.

"Lock him up?" Hazel whimpered miserably. My eyes widened in understanding.

"Oh I see, so he can't hurt himself! That gives us time to find a way to help him!" Just then, however, Legolas chose the wrong moment to sneeze. Favian (or should I be calling him Destiny?) squealed and started drooling.

"Grab him!" Kai ordered as she ran forward. Brynne and I sprang into action and tackled the poor boy, who was trying to run to Legolas. After a few halfhearted punches in our direction, we managed to hold him down long enough for Kai to tie him up and slip a blindfold over his eyes. Now unable to see the object of his possessor's affection, Favian lay still. Brynne dragged him to his feet and stood panting.

"You're right," she gasped, "we do have to lock him up. He could kill someone!" Hazel, I noticed, was standing off by herself, crying softly.

"We're going to have to kill him!" she wailed. I clenched my jaw grimly at the thought.

"No we're not," Kai comforted Hazel, "We'll find a way to help him." The ranger captain looked at me expectantly. As if _I_ could do anything to help!

"Let's get moving, before more Sues come," Éowyn suggested. We needed no second prompting.

Back in our own camp, we all sat around mournfully, listening to Favian yelling back in his cell. Kai remained sitting next to the campfire for a long time, staring into the flames. Now that she didn't need to give out orders for a while, she had time to think and probably beat herself up. As the leader and captain of the rangers, I'm sure she felt somehow responsible. Arwen was just plain miserable. She paced back and forth in the stables while Éowyn groomed Gabriel. Brynne was distracted and could hardly find the strength to make a proper dinner for everyone. Hazel was torn between helping Brynne, comforting Kai, and perhaps visiting Favian in his cell to try and talk sense into him. I don't think it would have worked. I spent the time mentally searching for a way to rid us of the fiend without killing Favian in the process. Since this case was so very special I didn't even know where to start.

Later, with a plate of overcooked stew resting on my knee, I conversed with the rangers and the royals. The mood was growing darker as the sun set. No one wanted to talk about Favian or the day's events, and at the same time it couldn't be avoided. Éowyn and Arwen couldn't bear to look anyone in the eye: they had gotten it into their head that their reckless chase after the Sues was the cause of all this. Despite their husbands' firm assurances that this was not so, they both sulked.

"I did get an idea while I was off alone today," I said as the conversation turned onto the subject of Sues and vampires. Everyone looked at me hopefully.

"It's not much," I added as Hazel started to smile, "But it's worth a try." Kai pulled herself out of her musings.

"Exactly what is this plan?" she asked skeptically. I licked my lips nervously.

"We go and find the Sue's body and de-vampire it." Hazel choked on her stew, Brynne dropped her plate, and Arwen looked up sharply.

"And sneak into the Sues' headquarters? You're insane!" Brynne gasped. I smiled at her unpleasantly.

"Yes, we know that one. Anything else?" Hazel glanced at the door to our makeshift prison.

"Will it hurt Favian?" she asked in a small voice. My smile vanished.

"That's the thing: there's no way to know unless we try it." She whimpered pitiably.

"All the other ways would kill him for sure," I added hastily. It was true: stabbing him through the heart with a stake certainly wouldn't be good for him, nor would slicing off his head and stuffing it with garlic.

"I don't know, Rana. Maybe we should give it a couple days and see what happens," suggested Kai. I frowned.

"But Favian's life and future well-being are at stake!" I pointed out. Terrible pain and sorrow flashed in Kai's eyes, but she stood firm.

"I can't risk everyone's lives to help one of us. I'm the captain, and it's up to me to make sure no one else gets hurt." Hazel sniffed and Brynne nodded stiffly. I turned desperately to Aragorn.

"My lord, please," I begged as I humbly dropped to one knee, "Surly you see the sense in helping one of our own? You of all people, the king and chief of the Dúnedain, understand that risks have to be taken if anything is to be achieved?" Aragorn looked uncomfortable and very unhappy to have been put on the spot like that.

"Rana, I see the sense in your plan. However," he added with a stern look, "Kai is in the right. We cannot risk everything in times like these. If we fall, the Sues will take control of all of Middle-earth, and then even more lives will be lost. We must have patience –." I stood up quickly and glared at them all. Fiery wrath was welling up inside me and I fought to keep it in check.

"My lord, if that is your decision." I bowed curtly and stalked off to my corner, near the entrance to the prison, and sat down on my straw mattress. There was an awkward silence before the others changed the subject and started talking amongst themselves. I watched them for a while before I got tired and fell asleep.

I was awoken once more by the pattering of feet. I half opened one eye groggily and watched as a pair of boots stepped past me. It didn't quite register until the boots stopped. I shut my eyes again tightly and pretended to be asleep. I could hear heavy breathing drawing closer, almost right next to my ear. I opened my eye a crack and almost cried out. It was Favian (though I suppose I really should be calling him Favian-Destiny by now), leaning very close to me.

"So hungry…" he hissed, using a high voice that was definitely _not_ natural. Fear gripped me as I realized the one factor I had forgotten – Destiny was a vampire, and vampires drink blood!


	9. Seeing Pink

**A/N: Yes, I thought 'twould be cruel to wait much longer in updating…seeing as I left you all hanging…**

I froze, eyes tightly shut, and didn't dare move or breathe. Any second I expected to feel the sharp pain of pointed teeth sinking into my skin. I curled my hands into fists to try to stop them from shaking. Various crazed plans flashed in my mind as I tried to think of what to do next. Any movement from me might cause the Sue to panic and bite me. My only hope seemed to be that one of the others would be awoken by Destiny's voice. Of course, Destiny was just barely whispering, and everyone else was on the other side of the cave. I decided in an instant what I would do: there was no one to save me now, and I would have to fight off the vampire long enough for someone to wake up and help. I tensed, waiting for the Sue to lean back just slightly. Brynne stirred in her sleep from the other side of the cave, making a soft rustling noise on the stone floor. Destiny turned her head to see where the sound came from. I seized my opportunity and whirled, sending a punch at Destiny's (though I suppose technically it was Favian's) head. The angsty Sue hissed in fury and lunged at me. I kicked out at her and scrambled out of the way.

"Help!" I yelled at the rangers, who were just starting to wake up from the noise. Destiny suddenly grabbed me by my shirt collar and twisted me around, slamming me against the hard rock wall with surprising strength. She pressed down hard on my windpipe to silence my calls for aid.

"No, no, the nasty hunter isn't getting help. Not now…" she snarled, her (rather, _his_) normally placid hazel eyes inches from my blue ones. I gasped for air and tried to pry her fingers off my throat.

"Shhh, not so loud, my prey. The hunter mustn't wake the other nasty rangers, must she?" the vampire cooed in a sickening way while I struggled. I couldn't breathe, couldn't escape, couldn't even cry out to the others. My vision started to blur very slightly…

But before I could slip into unconsciousness, something happened. The Sue's expression froze in her insane grin, then slackened as her (again, more like _Favian's_) eyes became unfocused. Her vice-like hold on my neck was released and I dropped to my knees, coughing and sucking in large gulps of air. I looked up. Kai, pale and disheveled, was panting. Her hunting dagger was in her hand. Obviously she had just dealt the Sue a fearsome blow with the hilt of said weapon. Massaging my throat with one hand, I grabbed Kai's outstretched arm with the other and pulled myself to my feet.

"Thanks," I said when I had regained my composure, "I thought I was a goner."

"You almost were," the ranger captain replied. The two of us watched as Brynne and Éowyn (recently awoken from their slumber) dragged Favian-Destiny back to his - no, _its _- cell.

"The cage door was broken enough for the Sue to get out," Brynne explained as they came back from the prison, "I expect the wood was weak in places. That was the cage that got pretty wet a few months back, when we put it out too late in the hunting season." Kai grunted her comprehension and turned to face me.

"Rana, I begin to see the sense in your plan. If we don't do something to sever the Sue's hold on Favian, we _will_ have to kill him, just to stop him from killing one of us." I nodded mutely and my spirits sank slightly. Not because I had been hoping to not follow my own plan, but because if we failed, one of our number would die because of it.

The next morning, bright and early, we once more got ready to go Sue hunting. The mood of the company was darker and grimmer than ever. Legolas, Aragorn, Faramir, and Hazel had volunteered to stay behind and man the fort. I personally had suggested that we use Legolas as bait by dangling him from a rope just above the entrance to the Sue's camp, but he promptly rejected this plan. I have no _idea_ why.

Anyways, we soon found ourselves galloping briskly through the forest. I had finally found out the name of my old mare: Farrah. I leaned forward and gripped her black mane as we hurtled past trees and almost collided with Kai. The captain's young silver filly snorted nervously a veered sharply to the right. I winced as Kai yelled an angry curse in my direction.

"Sorry!" I called over my shoulder. I looked back forward and yelped. A log, at least two feet high, was rapidly coming closer. We were too close to stop and avoid it, so I quickly mustered up my courage, tried to remember everything I'd ever learned about jumping, and held on. Farrah took it like a pro, but I almost fell off. It's not _my_ fault I hadn't jumped in months!

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, we slowed down as we reached the cliff where the twin Sues had vanished. I dismounted and draped my mare's reins on the nearest tree branch. Cautiously, we approached the base of the cliff. There was no sign of a lever or button to push to activate the secret passage.

"Well," I sighed after we spent ten minutes thoroughly inspecting the rock face. Brynne gave me a look that clearly said she disliked my lack of enthusiasm. Kai seemed very frustrated.

"We're not stopping until we can get this door open," she snapped, rubbing her forehead. I could tell she was exhausted from both the previous night's escape and (more than likely) lack of sleep. Arwen boldly strode over to the cliff and started running her hand over the spot where the Sue had pressed her palm.

"It has to be here," the queen said firmly. Her confidence made my spirits lift slightly, but only slightly. After another few minutes of trial and error, Arwen smiled.

"Aha!" She gave the stone a good push with her palm. I could hear a soft clicking noise, like gears spinning and clanking. Magically, or so it would seem, a chunk of the rock slid back, revealing a narrow passage leading into the mountain. I whooped and punched the air triumphantly.

"SHHHH!"

"Sorry." I chuckled nervously and crept after Éowyn into the tunnel. The air inside was damp and stank of mold. I wondered vaguely why the Sues hadn't placed fuzzy pink air fresheners by the passage door. The deeper we went into the tunnel, the broader and higher it became, until even Arwen (easily the tallest of us) could walk without stooping. The air even became less foul. There was a distinct scent of perfume after a while. Kai made us stop once or twice as the smell became especially strong. She scouted ahead to see if there were Sues nearby, but each time she came back and shook her head no.

When we finally came out of the passage and into the back of the Sues' camp, we realized where the smell came from. The whole place reeked of perfume and hair spray. Fuzzy pink and purple carpet was strewn on the floor ahead of us, giant posters of Orlando and others famous actors were plastered to the walls, and I could hear loud giggles coming from the center of the camp. We hung back at the mouth of the secret passage and observed everything. It looked like the Sues and fan girls had turned this huge cave into a giant…well, a giant Sue-and-fan-girl heaven. The hot pink and vivid purple colors dazzled my eyes, though I admit the sequins reflecting all the light didn't help, and I was momentarily blinded. I blinked rapidly and shut my eyes for ten seconds before venturing a second look at the camp. I could barely make out people moving around, draped in pink and other such vibrant shades. Their clothes acted like camouflage, making it nearly impossibly to tell where Sues stopped and the walls began. Someone must have had a radio or some other non-Tolkien device of the same kind, because some sort of frilly music was being blasted. Kai and Brynne looked horrified at the sight of so much pink.

"Valar forbid I should see such things again!" Kai gasped, her eyes wide. I crossed myself twice (though I'm not Catholic).

"Amen to that," I murmured. I forced myself to look away from the shiny array of Sueness and scanned the area for signs of something _not_ drenched in pink. I was pretty sure that Destiny's body was still clothed in black, making it easy to spot. Sure enough, about fifty yards from us, at the edge of the camp nearest the cave wall, I spotted something black. I elbowed Éowyn and silently pointed. She nodded and passed on the information to the others.

"Be careful, they could be guarding it," Kai whispered in my ear as she passed me and started to creep towards the speck of darkness amid all that _pink_. I gulped and followed on tiptoe.

Kai was right. Destiny's body was lying on a low table. I smirked, thinking maybe _she_ at least would be repulsed by the lacey magenta tablecloth she was placed on. Two Sues flanked the crypt, not looking at all solemn. They were both giggling at some odd joke and inspecting each other's manicured nails. No wonder HMS had been terrified when I threatened to trim hers. Brynne grimaced as she saw the Sues.

"We have to distract them!" she hissed at Kai when the five of us ducked behind a fluffy purple curtain. The ranger captain looked uncertain; after a moment she nodded grimly.

"Stay here," she ordered us quietly. Before we could stop her she had burst from behind the curtain and strolled over to the Sues. I at once admired and resented her courage. It takes guts to waltz up to a pair of Sues and talk to them politely when all they really want to do is kill you so there's less competition for Legolas. On the other hand, I was terrified that they'd catch her, and for that I was angry with her.

"Hey, guess what!" Kai said brightly to the Sues. They gaped at her dumbly.

"Like, what do you want?" one of them asked. The ranger was undeterred.

"I, like, _TOTALLY_ saw Legolas go out the secret passage! If you hurry, you might catch him!" she blurted out with a wild grin. To add to the affect she bounced up and down on her toes. I stared at her. That was the best imitation of a Sue I'd ever seen. It was disturbing to see it coming from a no-nonsense ranger captain who gutted orcs without the slightest hesitation. Anyway, both Sues squealed and bolted away, leaving the vampire's corpse unguarded. Kai watched them leave with a thoroughly satisfied smile. I almost whooped again as I scurried from my hiding place.

"That…was awesome!" I said with a proud grin at the captain. She winked at me but said nothing in reply.

"Rana, get over here," Éowyn snapped. I jumped and trotted over to where the shield-maiden was leaning over the dead Sue.

"Okay!" I growled determinedly, rolling up my sleeves, "Brynne, you might have to hold it down. Hand me that stake." Brynne nodded and handed me the long wooden stake we had fashioned from a rowan branch. She then moved to the other side of the table and waited. Mustering my courage, I squeezed my eyes shut and plunged the stake into the Sue's heart. Nothing happened. I tentatively chanced a peek at her. Despite the fact that there was a piece of wood sticking out of her, she appeared normal. Well, not _normal_, but not any different.

"Now the really gory part," I murmured, "Arwen, would you do the honors?" The queen reluctantly drew her sword and, with one swift chop, sliced off the Sue's head. It dropped off the table and rolled, coming to rest at my feet. I tried my best not to whimper. With slow, deliberate movements I stooped and shoved a sprig of garlic into the vampire's mouth. Still nothing. I slowly backed away.

"Ummm…I think we're good. RUN!" I said the last bit in a very loud whisper and took off. The others, no doubt unwilling to be caught in the camp with the Sue's body, bolted after me with due stealth and haste. Now all we could do was return to camp and see what had happened to Favian.

**A/N:**

**I found out why I had writer's block. I lost the monkey. Yep, lost him. I had nothing to shoot and it depressed me. I've been using Umbridge as a substitute (MUCH easier to hit), and it's been helping. Nevertheless, PotC story updates may still be slow in coming. Have patience with me! **


	10. Plans for Recovery

**A/N: My muse is still a tad shaky, have patience with me. **

We rode as if Hell itself was on our heels all the way back to our camp. No one spoke; we just put all our energies into galloping for home. Kai hadn't even come to a full halt when she vaulted out of the saddle and sprinted into the caves. Brynne and I followed, while the more dignified royals had to settle with a very fast jog.

"We did it! Hazel, Aragorn, Legolas, Faramir!" Kai yelled as she hurtled inside the cave. It seemed deserted. I panicked for a moment, thinking we were too late and Destiny-Favian had broken out of its cell again, killing everyone. Then we heard joyful voices heading towards us.

"HE'S NOT DEAD!" I cheered, bursting into a victory jig. Sure enough, Hazel, the other royals, and Favian soon stepped out into the main hall. Hazel was obviously crying happily, and even Kai seemed misty-eyed. They all pounded Favian on the back and congratulated him on his (however foolish) bravery in saving Arwen. The queen in question hugged the poor boy, who looked terrified to have a royal fawning over him like a fussy aunt. Brynne vanished into the back and returned with a barrel of mead under one arm and a heavy jug of ale dangling from the other. I helped her pass this out (ale to the men, mead to the rest of us). I whimpered when I saw there was no rum.

"Why is the rum _always_ gone?" I sighed as I stared moodily at my drink. No one laughed, so, heartily disappointed, I tipped my head back and downed a large gulp of mead.

"So," asked Favian as we settled down with our respective drinks, "How did you free me from the vampire's possession?" We all cringed and made excuses to not recount the tale. Brynne finally succumbed out of exhaustion and lack of proper excuses and explained the whole thing. Favian's eyes got wider and wider as her story went on. He blushed scarlet when she mentioned he had tried to both strangle and bite me.

"My deepest apologies," he said in a monotone. I smiled slightly at him from my corner.

"_Ú-moe edhored, mellon nîn_." I replied in Elvish (_"There is nothing to forgive, my friend."_). See, I told you I could speak three or four phrases of it! Anyway, Favian didn't look convinced or greatly comforted. What do I have to do, force my forgiveness down his throat? Brynne cleared her throat loudly at this point and continued without further interruptions. By the time she had finished it was almost starting to get dark, well past decent mealtimes. We hadn't the time to make a celebratory feast, so we settled for bread and more mead.

"I'm assuming we're still hunting Sues, right?" Favian inquired over a mouthful of garlic bread. I choked on my mead.

"You still _want_ to hunt Sues?" I coughed, staring incredulously at the boy.

"Well…yes." I peered at him suspiciously.

"Are you _certain_ that vampire didn't somehow addle your brains?" Legolas looked alarmed at the thought.

"Yes," Favian said firmly, "But isn't this what they'd do to all of Middle-earth?"

"I should hope not," I answered, appalled, "Sues possessing innocent teenage boys…just plain _wrong_…"

"No, no, I mean turn the whole world into something like their camp. All pink and lacey?" Those who had actually _seen_ the camp exchanged horrified looks. I tried to picture the court of Minas Tirith covered in pink and purple draperies, with sequins littering the floor and huge posters of Viggo sloppily taped to every space not occupied by an equally large poster of Orlando. The thought along made my feel sick. I took a long swig of mead, but it tasted strangely sour.

"Again, my boy, you have a point," Gimli grunted. I swallowed the last of my mead and sighed.

"We have to find out how they're getting in. Otherwise they'll just keep coming." Everyone murmured his or her agreement. Brynne suddenly brightened.

"Say, remember the Sue Rana killed? HMS?" she asked, clearly excited by something. I snorted.

"Kind of hard to forget…" I muttered. Brynne ignored me.

"She mentioned a portal. Do you think, maybe, that's…?" Kai and I were nodding vigorously.

"Aye, aye, that is definitely a thought…" I said in a low voice. Arwen frowned.

"It's rather a narrow hope, don't you think?"

"Not if more Sues tell the same story," I put in, leaning back against my wall and rubbing my chin thoughtfully. Kai and Gimli perked up.

"This means catching more Sues, I take it?" the captain grinned, more a statement than a question. Gimli cast a covetous eye on his axe, which was leaning against the far wall.

"And umm…if they get out of hand, my services will be needed?" he asked hopefully. I followed his gaze and smirked as I saw his mighty axe.

"By all means, if we run into more vampires we'll need a sturdy warrior." Aragorn, Legolas, and Faramir glared at me.

"Hey!" Legolas snapped.

"Hay is for horses, so go take it up with them," I replied, not amused.

"What are we, food for Sues?" protested Aragorn hotly.

"You will be soon if you don't shut up," snarled Arwen in exasperation at her husband's ego. We all stared at her. I made a mental note never to upset her in any way. Hazel stood and smiled brightly.

"Well, if we're hunting tomorrow we should all get some sleep!" she suggested. Arwen yawned and nodded.

"Yes, the little one and I should get some rest," she muttered, patting her round stomach. Aragorn frowned at her, obviously unhappy that she was gallivanting around when she was with child, but he said nothing.

* * *

**A/N: Well, sorry it was so short but this is an in-between chapter. I should have about...I'd say four more chapters (including the epilogue) before the end. After that I'll be doing some revising –nods respectfully to NuttyGummy-, and then…the sequel! I have it al planned out. **


	11. Taken Away

For the next four days we had no luck in catching Sues. Brynne was often gone for hours at a time to search, but even she could not find them. I had to admit I was getting worried. On the morning of the fifth day (yes, the irony of it occurred to me) we set out to try one more time. Legolas was getting restless and insisted that if we saw no more Sues he was going home. Without the Elf, we had no proper bait. Aragorn simply wasn't enough, and he too was becoming uneasy. I think it was just Arwen's stubbornness that kept him in Eregion at all. So, this venture was our last desperate attempt to catch a Sue and force her to tell us more about the portal.

It was hot and sunny as we rode out to the forest glade nearest the Sue's camp. Brynne, Kai, and Éowyn had slipped out the night before to set up a trap, just in case Sues were watching the place by day. Our company seemed a little too cheerful for my taste. Legolas was joking and laughing with Aragorn as they trotted along. Those of us who had been hoping for a battle just looked grim. Arwen kept shooting her husband dark looks whenever he laughed too loudly, and Gimli was sulking.

"Will you two be _quiet?_" the queen of Gondor hissed at length. Legolas looked bewildered.

"I thought we were supposed to be noisy?" he asked innocently. I snorted and Gimli grumbled something under his breath.

"We're here!" Kai interjected briskly as Arwen opened her mouth to snap at the prince of Mirkwood. Said Elvish princeling smiled smugly and hopped off his horse. The rest of us headed to the trees. That's when we heard it.

We all stood rooted to the spot, listening as the sound of many feet came closer. Soon shrieks and cheers could be distinguished from the pounding of hooves and footsteps. I didn't dare breathe. I glanced over my shoulder at the place where Legolas stood. He was chalk white and his eyes were huge. I heard Hazel gasp and Kai whisper "Valar protect us!" With a definite sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, I turned my head back. Up the hill from us, an army was rounding the corner. An army of Sues and fan girls. The Sues were all mounted on horses and had finely crafted weapons in their hands. The fan girls, a true rabble if I ever saw one, were on foot and had pink war paint on their grubby faces. The head of the army, her face shrouded in shadow because of the hood she wore, stopped her horse and held up a hand. The fan girls halted and the Sues formed a neat line. The fan girls seemed as rabid as ever and had to be forcefully held back. Then the lead Sue drew her sword and pointed at us with the tip. They charged.

"Get Legolas out of here!" I yelled, drawing my sword without thinking. Kai and the others drew their own weapons. I heard Legolas, Aragorn, and Faramir scramble onto their horses. There was a reassuring sound of hoof beats heading away from us.

"Well, Master Gimli," Kai said grimly, "It seems you'll get to slay Sues after all!" The dwarf didn't seem apprehensive in the least.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't petrified. The sight of at least fifty Sues and as many fan girls rushing forward with the intent of killing you is not a pleasant picture. The rangers, Éowyn, Arwen, Gimli, and I formed a tight circle and braced ourselves for the initial impact. It wasn't quite as bad as I'd expected. The fan girls were more interested in following Legolas than attacking us. The Sues were not so indifferent. Kai ducked as a blonde Sue's sword swung at her. Before I knew it a Sue was on the ground and heading for me. I recognized her as one of the Sues who had been guarding Destiny's body. Fear gripped me as she lunged forward. I barely managed to parry the blow. Gimli suddenly launched himself out of nowhere. I looked on, appalled, as he sank his axe into her arm. I couldn't stay and watch, though, as I heard Hazel cry out. I whirled. A Sue was dueling fiercely with the youngest ranger, who had dropped her sword and was warding off the blows with her hunting knife. Something angry stirred within me, something I didn't like that was there whether I wanted it to be or not. _That Sue's going to kill your friend! _said a little voice that I assumed belonged to the fiery wrath boiling in me. I didn't even think, I just ran at the Sue and shoved her away. Hazel grinned at me and nodded her thanks before she moved off to retrieve her sword. The Sue I had pushed got up and rounded on me. I gulped as I noticed she was taller than me by several inches. She swung her sword at me and I narrowly dodged, leaping to one side as the sword tip stabbed the space I had just occupied. I lunged clumsily and just managed to scratch the Sue's shoulder. She screeched as if I had cut off her arm.

"'Tis but a flesh wound!" I assured her nervously as I backed away. She did not look convinced. I continued backing up until I collided with a tree. The Sue smirked and swung her sword towards my head. I ducked, and the blade lodged itself into the thick tree trunk. I wasted no time in driving my sword as deep into the Sue as possible. In retrospect, I think that might have been a tad dishonorable, but as we are dealing with Sues…

Well, never mind the honor, I had more important things on my mind. I found I had strayed rather far from the field of battle. I sprinted back and found that my friends were valiantly struggling to hold off the tide of Sues. None of the spawn of Morgoth were willing to approach Éowyn and Arwen. I can't say I blame them, not with Éowyn's reputation and the fact that Arwen looked ready to gut the first living thing that came near her. I jogged over to Gimli just as the Sues pulled back slightly, to reorganize their attack.

"We can't win this," I panted quietly. The dwarf grunted gruffly.

"If we make a run for it, we can lose them in the forest." Another grunt from the dwarf.

"We need to get back to camp, the fan girls might have caught up with Legolas." This time a firm nod accompanied the grunt. Gimli shuffled sideways and muttered the idea to Arwen, whose eyes flickered over to me, then back to the Sues. She looked very unhappy.

"You have a point, but we have to back off one at a time," she murmured as the Sues got ready to advance again.

"You and Hazel go first, then Gimli, Brynne, and Éowyn, then Kai and I," I replied out of the corner of my mouth.

"On three," the queen whispered. The Sues raised their weapons and walked towards us.

"One!" The Sues were only ten feet away.

"Two!" I wished the horses were closer.

"THREE!" Arwen and Hazel broke away from the group and leapt onto their mounts as the rest of us charged the Sues. They were taken a bit off balance by our sudden attack. In the confusion Gimli, Brynne, and Éowyn managed to get to their horses. A number of the Sues that were still on horseback followed. Kai and I bolted to our own rides and hopped on. Even then our escape wasn't certain. My foot slipped out of the stirrup as I tried to climb onto my mare's back. Kai was already galloping off, and she didn't stop to see if I was behind her. I don't blame her; it's hard enough to maneuver around the forest at high speeds without having to glance back to make sure everyone had got away. I made a second attempt at hoisting myself into the saddle, but then I felt someone's hand grab my arm. I was yanked back, away from my mare, and I landed on the ground. A Sue was grinning stupidly down at me, and even as I looked two more came up behind me. Each of them grabbed one of my arms and pulled me to my feet.

"It's, like, that 'Sue-slayer' freak!" said one of them. I turned my head slightly and saw it was Melody. I groaned.

"Should we, like, kill her or something?" asked Harmony from my left. I groaned again, more softly this time. The Sue who had knocked me down stared at me dully.

"Umm…we should, um, maybe, um…" she said uncertainly. Just then the Sue's leader rode up. Her huge black mare looked like she might have been related to any one of the Nazgûl's stallions. The Sue herself was tall, but her face was still hidden in shadow (an effect I usually admire, but under the circumstances I disliked it).

"Ferne, Melody, Harmony. Who is your captive?" she demanded. Her voice was surprisingly low. Harmony and Melody glanced at each other.

"Like, she's, like, totally the one who's been, like, helping those stupid rangers!" Harmony proclaimed excitedly. I noticed she seemed to use "like" more often when she was nervous. The lead Sue stared at me for a while, or at least I assume she was staring at me, before she spoke again.

"So…" she answered slowly, "This is the one who's been aiding them. I had wondered where they learned so much…our mistress said there would be one…" The Sue's voice trailed off. Harmony, Melody, and the Sue I suppose was Ferne looked as lost as I felt. Sues were not noted for being cryptic, so who was this "mistress" she spoke of?

"Think no more of it," the Sue leader snapped, "Take the hunter back to camp. When I return I'll deal with her. Soon," she added, speaking to me, "you will learn what happens to those who oppose us."


	12. Interrogation

The Sues holding me bound my hands as the Sue leader rode off. I vainly struggled to get away, but I'm no match for two Sues. Not when Sues have "super strength" to help them defeat foes. All three chuckled at my attempts to escape. Ferne, the Sue who had grabbed me before I could get on my horse, mounted her own charger. My mare, Farrah, snorted and whinnied softly before Ferne chased her off. I stared after her and wished very much that I were better at climbing into the saddle. Harmony and Melody marched me back up the hill and towards the cliff. Instead of going to the secret passage, however, they dragged me to the front entrance. It was draped with lurid pink curtains, and even from the mouth of the cave I could smell the stench of too much perfume. Two Sues flanked the entrance. Both gave me curious looks as we passed.

"Like, who is _that?_" the guard on the right inquired. Melody sniffed indignantly.

"Isn't it, like, _totally_ _obvious?_" she snorted. The guards gave her blank looks.

"Ummm…like, no?" the one on the right replied. Harmony let out a peal of mirthless laughter.

"She's _so_ not a Sue! She's, like, a Sue hunter!" she said. I rolled my eyes.

"_She's _so _not a Sue!_" I imitated in a high-pitched voice, "Of course I'm bloody well not a Sue. They look like this." I widened my eyes and tipped my head to one side, started drooling, and chanted "like" in a monotone. Melody cuffed me over the back of the head.

"Ow." I blinked slowly, wondering where the Sues had picked up the habit of whacking people over the head. I certainly hoped it wasn't the same place I'd learned it.

"So, like, let us through," snapped Harmony haughtily. The two guards stepped aside. Melody shoved me forward. Once more I was greeted with the sight of far too much pink. I noticed the Sues had added a few more Orlando Bloom posters to the walls, and someone had hung a disco ball from the roof. I didn't have much of a chance to look around, because Melody seized my arm and dragged me over to a small side cavern. It seemed the only spot the Sues hadn't plastered with blown up photos of famous actors. There was no frilly pink carpet on the floor, and the curtains that had been hung over the door were dark violet. Harmony pushed me inside. I tripped over an uneven place in the ground and fell to one knee. Before I could get up Melody had pushed me over and rolled me onto my back. She took a second length of rope and tied it tightly around my ankles. Now I could barely move, much less escape. As a final measure, Harmony gagged me.

"Like, you are so totally not getting out of here alive!" she cackled as she straightened and kicked me hard in the ribs. I winced and glared at the twin Sues as they stepped out of the room, their laughter ringing in my ears. I pushed myself as far back as I could, so my back was up against the far wall. I closed my eyes and tried not to think about what had happened to the others.

I'm not sure how long it was before I opened my eyes again. It might have been one hour, it might have been five. At any rate, I glanced around. It was very dimly lit in the room I was in. Something didn't fit. It took me several moments to realize the music that had been blasting from the camp had stopped. There was a shuffling of feet just beyond the door of my cell. I listened carefully as two voices began conversing.

"They, like, got away?" whined a very disappointed voice that probably belonged to Harmony.

"Yes, the Elf escaped, as did Aragorn and Faramir," muttered the second voice, which sounded like the Sue leader. She seemed a bit scared.

"She won't be happy," Harmony whispered nervously,

"It was that vampire's incompetence that ruined it…she should have stuck to the plan and kept it quiet," murmured the leader. I sat up a bit straighter and listened.

"The boy got in the way," Harmony replied defensively.

"The boy wouldn't have realized what was going on if Destiny had kept her mouth shut! Instead she blabbed the whole plan out, right there in front of them all," the leader growled. I heard someone take a step back – Harmony, it seemed, had recoiled from the Sue's wrath.

"It doesn't matter," the Sue leader said at length, "I'm told we did well in catching the one who helped the rangers. But we need more information, otherwise the plan could fail." The curtains hanging over the door were drawn back. Light flooded into the room and I squinted. Harmony slipped in first, her pale face twisted into a nervous smile. Next came the Sue leader. She was very tall, with very pale skin and large eyes that changed color every few seconds. Her hair had a similar effect. It was pearly white and waist length, but it had a rainbow sheen to it. Whenever she moved the light struck it a different way and acted like a prism, so sometimes it looked pinkish white, other times yellowish white, and so on. She glared down at me as she entered the room.

"So," she said quietly, "so you are Rana Avari." I just stared back at her. She nodded to Harmony, who slipped the gag out of my mouth. The Sue continued to glare at me, though her look was somewhat softened by curiosity.

"I am Gwenllian Ithiliel Nimuial. I'm the leader of the Sues here," she explained coldly. I didn't respond.

"You have knowledge of things, and I want that knowledge." I still said nothing.

"If you tell me what I want to know, I might consider letting you go." Harmony made a strangled sort of protest, but a look from Gwenllian silenced her. I eyed her suspiciously.

"What knowledge?" Her eyes changed from blue to violet and she smiled broadly.

"Well, for starters, where are you friends hiding?" I chuckled softly and looked at the ceiling.

"Nice try." I expected her to hit me for my refusal to give up information, but she just shrugged.

"Fine. Then, if you please, what do you suppose Legolas' greatest fear would be?" I smirked.

"You." Her eyes flashed scarlet, but she just smiled unpleasantly at me.

"All right, then, if you don't want to help…" She nodded to Harmony who grinned wickedly at me before she went out of the room. In a second she returned with a bottle made of dark blue glass. She was holding it away from herself as though it might burn her. The other Sue snatched it from her and held it up so I could see it better.

"Do you know what's in this?" Gwenllian asked me. I perked up.

"Gold? Jewels? Unclaimed properties of a valuable nature?" She stared at me as if I'd sprouted an extra head.

"No. It's _poison_."

"Oh." My hopeful grin gave way to a sulky expression. I had _so_ hoped that it was something…_shiny_. The Sue leader smiled at me.

"Now, do you know what would happen if you drank some of this?" she asked sweetly. I hate it when people talk to me like I'm five.

"Pandemonium? Havoc? TOTAL CHAOS!" I yelled the last bit and ended with my best evil laugh. The Sues stepped back a pace, seemingly fearful that my insanity was contagious.

"You'd die!" Gwenllian shouted over my manic cackling. I closed my mouth sharply and looked at her for a while.

"_Really_?" I said after an awkward silence. The Sue shuffled her feet and coughed.

"Well…um, not _die_, exactly…" she mumbled uncertainly.

"Not exactly? How can you _not exactly_ die?" I wondered aloud. I had her flustered, and I was going to press my advantage. Apparently she was smarter than I thought, because she glared at me suddenly and unscrewed the cork of the bottle.

"Harmony, will you fetch your sister?" She scurried off to find her twin and returned in a moment with a disgruntled looking Melody.

"Like, what's going on?" she demanded, hands on her hips. Gwenllian turned her head slightly and surveyed her.

"Your captive is about to find out what _this_ –," she shook the bottle slightly, "- does to people. If you two will restrain her." They were next to me and holding my shoulders in a death grip before I had a chance to get out of the way. I tried to kick out at them, but my feet were tied too tightly to do much damage, or even move too much. Gwenllian smirked as she crouched down and grabbed me by the neck. She pushed my head back so I was looking up at the ceiling and then tipped the contents of the bottle onto my face. I couldn't breathe without swallowing some of it, so I ended up with a good deal of it sliding down my throat. It tasted terrible and burned as it hit my stomach. Melody and Harmony released me and I collapsed onto my side, coughing. It felt like my lungs were on fire, the room was spinning around me, the floor felt like ice. I could hear the Sues talking and laughing.

"She'll be all right, she'll recover…in a few hours…" Gwenllian said with a sneer in her tone. Harmony and Melody jeered and added their shrieks to the tumult of cruel laughter. I shut my eyes tightly…the light hurt them…the sounds were so loud…my head was pounding…I just wanted it all to stop…anything to make it stop…and then it did.


	13. The Portal: part I

**A/N: Well, I meant this to be the last chapter but I had to split it in half because FanFiction doesn't like my long twelve page updates, savvy? **

* * *

I felt terrible. I didn't open my eyes for a long time, just taking deep breaths. My throat felt raw and there was a dull, throbbing pain in my side where Harmony had kicked me. I had no idea how long I'd been unconscious. I could vaguely hear noise coming from the Sue's camp, but it didn't make any sense to me. I half opened one eye. Pale daylight was filtering in from the door. I squinted. Something seemed out of place. Slowly, I sat up. I felt light headed but otherwise all right. I peered more closely at my surrounding and figured out what felt and looked wrong. My hands and feet were no longer tied, and the curtains were drawn back from the entrance. Somehow, the Sues had set up iron bars around the threshold in less than six hours. On closer examination they proved to be just like the ones in _Pirates of the Caribbean._ Now that's what you call ironic.

"Oi!" I called. No one answered. I shakily got to my feet and stumbled towards the cell door. I grasped the bars for support and peered out. The part of the camp that I could see was deserted. No guards were stationed around my prison.

"Typical," I murmured. I glanced at the hinges. The Sues must have caught onto my pirate obsession because the hinges were _not_ half pin barrel hinges. Damn, I had hoped they'd forgotten about that. Ah well, such is the life of an Elf.

"Hello…?" I said loudly. Still no guards or Sues in sight.

"Oh good," I sighed. There had to be a way to pick the lock. Unfortunately I saw no keys, cannons loaded with cutlery, or animal bones. I rattled the bars angrily. That's when I heard it. A low chant was rising from the very center of the camp. I couldn't quite make out the words, but it sounded like they were worshiping something. Suddenly, I heard footsteps approaching. I darted to the back of my cell and sat down in the shadows, as if I'd woken up just a few moments ago. Harmony, Melody, and Gwenllian appeared at the door. The lead Sue pulled a key from her pocket and unlocked the gate. All three of them looked very smug and happy, which was a bad sign. The twins strode towards me, identical looks of glee on their faces. Each grabbed one of my arms and pulled me to my feet. Gwenllian walked forward with a dignified air and smiled.

"There's someone who wants to see you," she said softly, now magenta eyes gleaming with triumph. "Bind her hands!" I flinched as the rope dug into the already blistered skin on my wrists. The twins kept a firm grip on my arms and pulled my forward, following Gwenllian. Everything was very quiet in the camp, aside from the monotonous chanting coming from the center of the camp. It was darker the farther we went into the cave. Flickering lights and the smell of perfumed smoke told me someone had lit a bonfire. The mantra got louder, and I could hear the words. They seemed to be in some other language. The Sues rounded a corner and there we were, in the center of the encampment. A large fire in the middle of the circular clearing was emitting hot pink flames and purple smoke. Every Sue and fan girl in the camp had formed a large ring around it. I saw a white marble throne in the dancing light, draped with fluffy pink leopard-patterned fake fur. A hooded figure was seated there, her face hidden in shadow in proper Sue-like mysterious fashion. At first I thought the Sues must have been worshiping her, because attendants were flitting about. Then I saw what they were all looking at and I froze, horrified. There, tied to a stake with hot pink rope and looking both defiant and scared, was Legolas.

"NO!" I screamed. After we all fought so hard, after everything that had happened, this could not be the ending. This wasn't right. I lunged forward, trying to reach the Elvish princeling, but the twins held me back. Gwenllian's triumphant smirk turned into a broad, gloating grin. I was reminded rather strongly of Umbridge.

"Legolas!" I yelled desperately, struggling as hard as I could against the Sues. Legolas purposefully ignored me, though by his slightly pained expression I think he was feeling as miserable as I was. I felt something cold and sharp against the back of my neck.

"Be still, or I'll slit your throat," Gwenllian hissed in my ear. I stopped moving and straightened, my expression once more neutral and cold. The Sue leader turned and bowed to the woman seated on the throne.

"My lady, here is the hunter," she said loudly, pointing her dagger at me, "The one who ruined your plan to use Destiny Ambar to capture the Elf." There were some murmurs from the crowd and one of the fan girls made a slashing motion across her throat. I winced.

"She has opposed all of your doings in this country and murdered two of our number in cold blood!" Gwenllian continued. The murmurs turned into a discontented buzz.

"There's only one punishment for such wrong doing…death!" Shouts of agreement rose from the assembled Sues. I paled and almost cringed. Gwenllian turned her head and smiled at me.

"My lady, what is your judgment?" she yelled over the din. They all fell silent, staring intently at the woman whom I assume is their real queen. I dared a glance at Legolas. He was as pale as I had ever seen him, and he looked very gaunt in the firelight. I didn't want to know what the Sues would do to him after they killed me. I shuddered as I realized what I had just thought: _after they kill me_. I forced myself to look back at the Sue queen. She had not moved or spoken yet. After a moment she drew in a breath.

"Bring the hunter here," she commanded in a low voice. Melody and Harmony led me to the throne. The Sue queen stood and walked down the steps until she was level with me. She reached forward and grabbed my chin. Even that close I couldn't see much of her face. She had bright, multi-colored eyes that glowed in the dim light. They narrowed as she surveyed me. I glared back at her defiantly.

"Well, well. I have heard much of you, girl, and how you manage to spoil all my careful planning. No matter, your friends have deserted you and I stand here with the prize," she muttered cruelly, nodding towards Legolas. She stepped back and stared at the other Sues.

"I have just remembered something of old. If I recall, blood often has magical powers," she said. I scoffed.

"Oh please," I chuckled, rolling my eyes, "Don't tell me that after all this I'm ending up reliving _Pirates of the Caribbean_ and breaking some curse that the heathen gods placed on you so that you're immortal!"

"I said no such thing, girl. Now be quiet, or I shall let Gwenllian cut out your tongue like she's been asking me to." The Sue in question blushed slightly but looked ready to carry out the threat.

"This girl has done murder, as Gwenllian said. And for that she must die!" The Sues cheered and I felt panic rising in me like bile. When I had asked for adventure this was _definitely_ not what I had in mind. The Sue queen silenced the crowd with a wave of her hand.

"I have prepared the world's most powerful love potion," she continued, pointing to a large cauldron simmering over the pink bonfire, "And I intend to give it to our guest, Legolas Greenleaf." Legolas was staring at the queen in horror. I glanced between the two of them and struggled again.

"No!" I cried out. The Sues were all grinning at me. The queen held up a hand for silence and went on.

"The final ingredient is the life blood of a murderer." The Sues cheered and whistled and clapped while the fan girls did a war dance. I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. I glanced at Legolas again and we exchanged a long, sad look before the twins pulled me away. I was numb, and even fear seemed irrelevant now. Melody and Harmony marched me over to where the Sue queen was stirring the cauldron and Gwenllian was smirking at me, holding her dagger in one hand. _This is it,_ I thought to myself sorrowfully, _this is your end. You get to die so that the Sues can enslave Legolas for all time…_


	14. The Portal: part II

**A/N: I considered waiting to publish this second part of the last chapter, but since you guys were so patient I thought I'd put them both up at once.**

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"FOR GONDOR AND THE MARK!"

"_HERIO! Leithio i philinn!_"

"_Baruk Khazâd! Khazâd ai-mênu!_" I whipped my head around as arrows flew out of nowhere. One struck a Sue near me and she fell, screaming. The Sue queen froze, and then vanished in a puff of purple smoke. Gwenllian stood in horror.

"Get your weapons!" she roared at last as more arrows rained down from the dark, "They are trying to steal Legolas!" That was enough to set the fan girls into berserker mode. Without weapons they charged into the gloom. The Sue leader whirled and glared at the twins.

"We still need her blood for the love potion! Take her to the portal and wait for me there, I'll get the cauldron." She turned and disappeared into the confused crowd. Melody and Harmony started to pull me away, towards the edge of the fight. I caught sight of Gimli and Kai fighting back to back against three Sues.

"HEY!" I yelled at them, "I'M OVER HERE! HELP!" I kicked at the Sues holding me and fought to get back to my friends. They dragged me back. Kai was looking around for me.

"KAI! GIMLI! THEY'RE TAKING ME TO THE PORTAL!" I screamed as loud as I could. A wave of Sues and fan girls rushed at my friends and I lost sight of them. I continued to fight to get back towards them, but soon I found myself at the far side of the cave. I turned around. There, stuck into the wall, was a glimmering round opening in the rock. It looked like a liquid mirror, with different colors swirling around. I was so awestruck that I didn't resist when the Sues led me over to the corner. I wrenched my gaze away from the portal and tried to see how the fight was going. It was nearly impossible to spot my friends amongst the throng of Sues and fan girls. I felt scared again. Just when there had been hope of rescue I had been separated from the rangers. It wasn't likely that they'd find me until it was too late. With any luck, however, they would get Legolas out of there.

Ten minutes later Gwenllian appeared. She was lugging the cauldron towards us with effort, its contents still boiling. She set the pot down with a sigh and straightened, grinning at me.

"Well, hunter, have you learned your lesson about not crossing Sues?" she asked me with false sweetness. I glared at her, hatred smoldering inside me. Something of the fire must have shown in my eyes because her grin faltered.

"The only lesson I've learned is that you Sues are the foulest, weakest spawn of Morgoth ever to roam Middle-earth!" I snarled. Gwenllian abruptly punched me in the ribs. I wasn't expecting it and I doubled over, winded. I coughed and gasped for breath while she glared down at me.

"Hang on to her," she snapped at the twins, who tightened their grip on my arms. I lifted my head when I had caught my breath and stared at the Sue, trembling slightly. I hadn't been so scared since Destiny tried to kill me. Gwenllian stirred the potion a few more times and leaned over it, examining its thickness and color to make sure it was ready. When she was satisfied she leaned back and turned and walked over to me, knife in one hand.

"Farewell, Rana Avari," she whispered with a cruel smile. I braced myself for the sharp pain of a mortal wound. The blow never came. Gwenllian stood frozen, her wide eyes changing from stark green to a dull, lifeless gray. Then she slumped forward, and I saw the arrow sticking out of her back. I looked up and saw Legolas standing a few yards away, his recovered bow in one hand.

Melody and Harmony both stared between their fallen captain, Legolas, and me. Then they both let go of my arms and bolted straight into the portal. I blinked slowly as the Elf came over.

"Are you all right?" he asked with concern. I shook myself out of my trance and nodded.

"Aye, but only as well as one can be after having their life threatened," I said weakly as he cut the ropes binding my hands. He smiled slightly.

"Well, it seemed the diversion worked out -."

"The WHAT?" I demanded, aghast. The princeling chuckled nervously.

"Now don't be too alarmed, Rana, but after you got kidnapped we had to think of _some_ way to rescue you -."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DIVERSION?" I roared.

"Only that I got captured accidentally-on-purpose so that the Sues would be distracted -." I couldn't help it; I just had to slap him hard.

"You could have _died_!" I yelled, painfully aware that I was sounding like Mrs. Weasley. The Elf rubbed his cheek and gave me an offended look. I let out an angry sigh.

"_Men_," I muttered under my breath. I turned on my heel and marched back towards the battle. It took me about five seconds to realize that the rangers weren't alone in the fight. At least twenty Elvish warriors, most of them archers, were fighting the Sues and fan girls. The archers were shooting arrows from ledges around the cave, and judging from the number of bodes they were quite accurate. Despite the vastness of the Sues' army, they were on the losing side.

It was all over in half an hour. News of Gwenllian's death (no doubt encouraged by the fact that I wasn't dead) spread like wildfire. More and more Sues fled to the portal and left Middle-earth, hopefully forever. The fan girls, though for the most part still in berserker mode, reluctantly followed. As the last of them headed for the gateway, I followed and climbed up onto a boulder.

"Farewell, evil Sues and fan girls! This is the day that you will always remember as the day that you almost -." The Sue slipped through the portal without responding.

" – Rana Avari," I finished lamely. I frowned at the portal. I noticed for the first time four colored stones set in the rock face, bordering the gateway.

"Uh, lads…come and have a look at this…" Legolas and the rangers hurried over, but they ignored the portal and hugged me (except Legolas, who was still pouting because I slapped him).

"We were so worried!" Hazel said as she drew back. I pushed the others away irritably.

"Aye, I was a tad worried myself, thanks very much," I grumbled. Kai, Brynne, and Favian laughed. Finally, Aragorn and the others toddled over.

"Good to see you alive, lass," Gimli grunted.

"Yes, we were thinking perhaps you'd gone and died on us," Faramir said jokingly. Éowyn elbowed him.

"Well…I suppose you'll be leaving us?" Arwen said quietly. Everyone else stopped smiling, and even the Elf warriors looked a little surprised. I smiled sadly at the queen and nodded.

"All my life I've wanted nothing more than to live here, but something is telling me that it's time for me to take my leave." Hazel looked crestfallen.

"I'm sorry," I added softly, "But I can't stay." I smiled at each of my friends before I pointed to the colored stones.

"I'm guessing that if you remove those, the portal will shut down. That will keep the Sues out."

"And you," Brynne pointed out. I nodded.

"And me." I bowed to the royals and turned to walk back through the portal, to my own world.

"Wait!" Hazel said suddenly, "What if you end up with all the Sues and fan girls?" I laughed.

"Do you really think they'd _survive_ all together without their leaders?" Everyone laughed. Kai walked over to me and held out a sheathed hunting knife.

"To remember old times," she told me as I took it from her. I hugged her good bye and waved to the others.

"Good bye, friends. Perhaps one day we'll meet again." And with that I stepped through the portal, thus ending my adventure in Middle-earth.

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**A/N: I'd like to dedicate this chapter to my reviewers. It's been fun, but it ain't over until it's over, eh? Drink up, hearties, yo ho! **


	15. Epilogue

**A/N: Here's the epilogue. Thanks very much for making this a fun writing experience. **

**Pet Dom: Gone, gone, gone…Domie is FREE! **

**Me: Not so fast! You want the Others and rabid fan girls to get ye?**

**Norrington: Oh please, enough with you and your pet.**

**Me: Norrington, you be quiet or I'll turn you over to the U.S. government, you privateer-on-behalf-of-England! **

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The rangers continued to hunt for food and patrol Eregion for a long time, fighting orcs when they came upon them. It was never quite the same again for them, not after fighting the vicious Sues. Normal life might have seemed boring were it not for their visits to Minas Tirith and Ithilien every few months to see the royals.

The Sue and fan girl they still had in their jail sat there for a few days before anyone recalled they were there. Legolas took Amy-Bliss back to Mirkwood – for target practice. The fan girl, Ellie, was released and pushed through the portal just before the rangers closed it forever.

Arwen gave birth to a beautiful baby girl two months after the Sues' portal was closed. She named the child Sanya, which is Elvish for "normal". Shortly after that Éowyn announced that she too was pregnant, and the following June she had a daughter as well. She and Faramir named her Alya Elarinya, which is (roughly) "morning star".

Legolas and Gimli often went hunting in Eregion, but they always stayed far away from the Sues' old camp. Some said it was because of an ancient curse the Sue queen placed on the Elf princeling, but I think it was just because he was scared that they'd find more Sues there.

And me? Well, as for me, I found myself back in my chair at school. I made excuses and called in sick for two more days. I was miserable at first because I thought it had all been a dream. Then, as I was looking for my pencil sharpener in my desk drawer at home, I came across the hunting knife Kai had given me. I almost started crying because I was so relieved. Now, whenever I start to wonder if perhaps I'd imagined it all, I reach into my drawer and run my thumb over the hilt of the dagger.

Two things still bother me. The first is that the Sues called me a murderer. I keep telling myself that my killing of HMS was an accident, and I know she deserved it, but it still weighs heavy on my conscience. The mere fact that I know my blood would have completed that love potion makes me feel like a criminal.

The second thing is that the Sue queen escaped. I don't know where she is, what she's doing, or what she may be planning. It makes me uneasy to think that she's free to try and kidnap Legolas, Aragorn, or Faramir any time she wants.

Really I shouldn't be so worried. The rangers are well prepared to stop a second invasion. And besides, even if there was another invasion they know where the portal is. I doubt the Sues are smart enough to find another way in.

This whole affair brings to mind something Sam's gaffer said: "All's well that ends better!"

And so it is.


End file.
